9 Crimes cover - Best youtube cover you’ll watch

Okay usually I’m not a fan of people doing cover versions of songs on youtube. Generally you get a moody teenager on a crappy guitar trying to be Kelly Clarkson.

But when you get a violin solo, rap, and two people who don’t take themselves too seriously covering a Damian Rice song its pretty impressive. (And by the way don’t give up till you’ve gotten to the violin and the rap!)

It’s a cover of Damien Rice’s song 9 Crimes and I think it’s their undeniable charisma that makes this one of the best song covers on youtube. The audio isn’t great when it gets to the loud bit but I still prefer this cover to the original. So check it out and let me know what you think.

And thanks to Jon (DaddyPoet) for introducing me to this video!

Paris Hilton for President!

Okay this is pretty funny.

If you don’t know what’s been going on in America basically John McCain, who is running for President, made a video comparing Barack Obama (I know you knew he’s running for President too!) to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Pretty much saying he’s just a celebrity and doesn’t know very much.

I’m not a Paris Hilton fan but she hit back with this video and it is a pretty funny response. I guess she’s cleverer than we think!

Just an old song

I just made the mistake of listening to a song that brought back memories. Crap.

If you have one of those songs you’ll know what I mean. Suddenly you remember where you used to be and how it used to feel.

After a while this song lost its sweetness. And so I learned to let go and to become stronger. But sometimes I wish I was weak and felt loved again. Like the first time I heard this song. Before it became bitter.

But there’s no point dwelling on the past. So I let the last few seconds of the song play out. I put the memories to bed. And I carry on. After all, these days its just an old song.

Highlights from my trip to America so far!

Alright so the trip to the States has been pretty cool. Some highlights -

Swimming on the beach. That was fun. Until I got stung by a jellyfish.

I got a tan (kinda). Okay, so I’m not as ghostly white as I was before. Which was also fun until I burnt my chin. Which my friend Anna seemed to think was bordering on a physical impossibility. Thanks Anna.

Meeting loads of cool missionary people. I forgot how cool missionaries are. They’re also pretty friendly no matter where you’re from and what you look like. Which was a good thing considering my sunburnt chin had started to peel and made me look like I had some form of rabies.

Eating Mexican food. Could there be a nicer type of food? I really don’t think so. A highlight of eating Mexican food was sitting beside the river in San Antonio at a Mexican restaurant thats over 60 years old while kicking pigeons under the table and watching my Dad try to punch one. I also bought a one pound (in weight) bag of tortilla chips and I’m almost finished eating them. Call it an addiction.

Discovering the new Starbucks Mango, Banana, and something else smoothie thing. They taste different everytime I have one so I get them once a day just to be adventurous.

Buying food in McDondalds for the first time when I realised the price was 50% cheaper than at home. Oh the joy. I’m surprised I haven’t overdosed on hot fudge sundaes really.

That’s all I can think of for now. I shall add my second half of highlights later……(unless the next week is really boring in which case I may be forced to just make stuff up to seem interesting)

When love means letting go

I’ve been thinking about love tonight. I’ve realised so much of what I have thought was love was really fear and control. I used to always think that love was when you can’t live without another person. I think I was wrong.

I was in that place and I turned into a really selfish person. Jealousy and insecurity plagued me constantly. I thought I loved this person more than anyone when really I had them trapped and controlled and if they wanted to go a different path I would have a fit until they went on whatever path I was on. Their life revolved around me and ultimately we sucked the life out of each other.

I was thinking about the way parents have to let go of their children when they reach a certain age. They have a choice to either let them spread their wings and fly so to speak or else they can choose to hold on to them out of fear and hold them back. The irony is that the relationship they so desperately want with their kids is actually found in freedom not fear. After all the people who avoid their parents phone calls are the ones who feel their parents are still holding them back and trying to control them.

I’ve actually come to see all love as being a bit like that. True loves takes a massive risk. The risk of freedom.

You have to give the other person freedom to love you or hate you. Freedom to be with you or to leave you. To really let someone spread their wings and fly means that you have to face the fear that they will fly away and go somewhere else.

So what does love look like?

Maybe it looks like caring about their relationship with God more than how you feel about them? Maybe its about letting them be themselves even if that means they don’t spend as much time with you anymore?

Kirk Franklin has a line in one of his songs that says - Mama said, what you love, let it go. And if it comes back, then its back to stay.

I also wrote my own words of wisdom in a song when I was 13 - Love doesn’t need to hold on to be real or to be strong.

That’s how I feel right now. Love can’t be about control. It can’t be based on my fear. True love is letting go despite my fear. It’s knowing that the greatest contribution you can give to someone is that they don’t need you anymore. That they have their own strength and value and life that you helped them to find.

So I’m learning to love. And I’m learning how to let go.

Why I hate my dog right now

It’s my mum’s birthday today and I thought it would be nice if cleaned the kitchen for her while she’s out.

So I’m walking round the kitchen almost finished when I realise my foot is all wet. I look down and it seems I am totally covered in mustard. Why is there mustard all over the floor?

Well I traced it back to a lovely pile of bright yellow dog puke which I walked right through. Yes. Thanks Jack.

My first thought was well I’ll try and clean it up for my mum. Bad idea. Instead I bent over to start cleaning and puked on top of my dog’s puke.

So right now my mum is going to come home to her lovely kitchen complete with various piles of red and yellow puke with toilet roll elegantly placed on top of them.

If I didn’t laugh I would cry.

Happy Birthday mum!

The Westside! (of Ireland)

Went on holidays to the west of Ireland and it was lovely. Here’s some pics.

My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me?

A few weeks ago I went to a youth conference called Summer Madness. One evening Pete Grieg was speaking. Now don’t get me wrong Pete was incredible but due to lack of sleep from camping I fell asleep during his message. Oops.

Anyway skip to the end, partly because my blogs are too long and partly because I don’t know what the message was about, basically Pete got everyone to put salt on their lips. I can’t actually remember why which I know is incredibly ridiculous! It was something to do with being honest with God about the tough times in your life.

I stood there and said to God, “You know where I’m at. You know where I’ve been through. I’ve told you everything”, thinking that would be the end of the exercise which I kind of didn’t understand due to sleeping through the explanation of it anyway.

Instead I had one of those profound spiritual moments. Only this was a bit different than the usual ones. I felt intense anger suddenly rise within me out of nowhere.

I was mad at God.

It shocked me at first. It felt a bit like I had been exposed of something that I didn’t even know was there. To be honest it felt like a sin. At the same time it wasn’t something I had asked for. It just seemed to come out of nowhere.

And then I just felt God say something so simply to me. “Meet me in the pain.”

I struggled with it for a little while and then I admitted it. I said to God “Yes I am angry at you. I’m disappointed. I’m struggling. I cried myself to sleep last night and your arms didn’t comfort me. I’m praising you and doing my best while my friends are abandoning me and dreams are dying.”

I felt honest. Finally. But it didn’t end there. Ever since then there’s been a battle inside me. I’m struggling with old wounds and loving people that have screwed me over and at times I feel forsaken by God. Sometimes I just want comfort and instead I get warm tears rolling down my face which finally stop with no intervention or resolution from God.

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Cut to Saturday.

I’m sat outside church in my car. It’s all getting too much. I can’t cope with people anymore. I’ve had as much as I can handle. And so carrying on from my latest idea of being honest with God I turn to a very honest Psalm. Psalm 22. The one Jesus quoted on the cross.

And I decide that this is where I’m at. This is the Psalm that has summed me up for a while it’s just felt a bit blasphemous to actually admit it. Can I really say to God why have you forsaken me?

I knew I needed to be honest about this and so I prayed it out loud and made it my own cry to God.

Something amazing happened as I read through it. I sensed and remembered so much of my own pain but I also started to see Jesus in this Psalm. I never realised how prophetic it is. Take for instance some of this:

All who see me mock me;
they hurl insults, shaking their heads:

“He trusts in the LORD;
let the LORD rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
since he delights in him.

My strength is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
you lay me in the dust of death.

Dogs have surrounded me;
a band of evil men has encircled me,
they have pierced my hands and my feet.

They divide my garments among them
and cast lots for my clothing.

As I put words to my own pain, I also began to remember the pain of my Saviour. I remembered that my God chose to play by His own rules. He knows what its like. He understands.

The worst part about intense pain is that no one can truly understand. At some point even your closest friends begin to be cut off and you experience your own sorrow alone.

When God told me to meet him in the pain maybe thats what he meant? He wanted to meet me in a place where no one else could. Because He understands. Because He’s been there. My deepest cry became absorbed in his deepest cry on the cross.

In some weird way it was comforting. The loneliness began to be lifted. I am not forsaken. In reality I am accompanied every step of the way even if those steps are steps of disappointment, sorrow, and hurt. I realised God doesn’t want to just meet us in the revival meeting where we feel exhilarated. He also wants to meet us in the struggle and the difficulties.

The real question is are we willing to let Him meet us there. Do we still censor our prayers? Do we pray for blessing for our enemies when deep down we wish they were dead? God can’t heal us in those areas if we don’t let him in. We have to bear our souls. It’s scary and honest and there may be a fear that God will reject us for it. But we have to take the leap of faith into that place that seems so scary and dangerous in doing so we might realise that Jesus was waiting there for us all along.

Boys smell

You think life is simple and then a smelly boy comes along.

It feels like a crossroads. My feelings, God’s will, who he is, what my head thinks etc..
Overall I think the answer may end up being a no.
Don’t know if I’m relieved or disappointed.

Anyway. Boys smell.

That is all.

I is back!

Alright so its been a while and I’ve decided its time to get back to blogging!

I’ve added my posts from my old blog which I have affectionately called my dark night of the soul. It’s pretty intense but I had to go through it and I thought it might be an encouragement to someone who’s going through a tough time.

The thing I love about blogs is that you can look back and see where you were and remember how it felt. It’s like a video of your mind using words. Okay that sounded stupid but you get what I mean. I like being able to see where I’ve come from and how its changed me.

Right now I feel like I’m in a wilderness. Not in a depressed kinda way but it just seems like I don’t know where I’m going right now. I’m in a time of transition and I want to be able to look back one day and see the journey God brought me on. Right now I have no idea what that journey will be which is exciting, scary, and makes me feel a little helpless. It’s all good though.

We’ll see what happens! Hope you’ll join me on the way.

How it used to be

I’ve been thinking about the past tonight. Sometimes it’s hard to look back and realise that some things will never be like they used to be no matter how much you want them to. And I’ll be honest I cried a little bit tonight thinking about it.

The maddest thing is that the time in my life I miss the most isn’t actually what I would have called the best time. It’s actually the one that was the worst.

I miss the worst time in my life. Relationships were ruined, I cried every day, my heart was torn in two, I wished I was dead, I prayed that it would end and every day I thought I can’t take this much longer. So why do I miss it?

Its because my spirit was so alive. The only thing that got me through that time was God. That’s the truth. Otherwise I definitely would have killed myself.

Now my heart has slowly but surely been put back together again. I’m happy and I feel like I have a life again. But my Spirit wants more.

I think I get it now. I would give everything up to know God because I’ve realised that’s when I am fulfilled. Different things and people made me feel good but if I’m honest even at what felt like the greatest moment of my life I remember thinking is this is? Why do I still feel incomplete?

God doesn’t leave me feeling incomplete. He leaves me feeling satisfied yet hungry for more.
Its not like an addiction where you feel incomplete but you still want more. God actually satisfies your soul. Nothing else has ever done that for me. Everything else is never quite enough it just filled the gap for a while.

I think sometimes we all believe the lie that we aren’t fulfilled because of circumstances or people or something else. But I don’t anymore. I’ve experienced something different.

I know where to be fulfilled. Because in my worst moments I was. Now I’d give anything up to be there again. I want things the way they used to be. I want to be complete in Christ. And the best thing is I don’t think it has to be the worst time of my life to find that again! Jesus offers me fulfillment all the time. And all he asks is that I cling to him and believe in him. I think I’m ready for that. After all isn’t everything else just an added bonus?

Time to look in the mirror

I’m feeling fed up. I’m fed up of hearing people criticize each other and act wrongly towards each other. I’m fed up with feeling unsupported in the ministries I’m a part of. I’m fed up with gossip and slander and people thinking they are better than each other. I’m fed up with people calling themselves Christians and acting the opposite of Christ.

The biggest thing I am fed up with is being part of the problem.

I’ve realized that I am never bitchy, gossipy, and unable to get along with people when I am right with God. When I am following Jesus I am able to see the good in things instead of just the bad. When my heart is right before God I care about people instead of just cutting them down. When I am right with God I am never a part of the problem, I am a part of the solution. When I am right with God the fact that someone hurt me doesn’t cause me to talk about them it causes me to pray for them. When situations go bad it doesn’t cause me to stop worshiping or to criticise. When life is a mess and stressful I have peace and joy because my life is focused on God. When things at church annoy me I am still able to be supportive and find something good in the meetings.

I’m not sure I am right with God right now because I’ve been sliding into the first paragraph.

So I’m trying to stop pointing the finger and start looking in the mirror.

I wonder what would happen if we all looked in the mirror. If we all ask ourselves if we are happy with our lives right now and if we are where we should be with God. I have a feeling situations would get a lot better a lot quicker and we would see passion in each others lives rather than complacency. We are all so quick to point out each others faults but we don’t want to see our own.

I’m trying to change my life right now. I’ve let too much junk in. Nevermind what other people are doing the fact is that I have gotten off track and that was nobody elses fault but my own. I believe that nothing will change for us unless we individually stop and look in the mirror. The problem is not all me. The problem is that collectively we have gotten off track and started blaming each other for our own mistakes.

Contentment, joy, passion, peace, love, etc… These things are not supposed to be dependent on our circumstances. They are nothing to do with what the church down the road is doing or who is or isn’t speaking to us. They are about God. If we don’t have these things its time to stop pointing the finger and start looking in the mirror. We can’t blame anyone else for any of that. We need to be honest with ourselves.

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Here’s a song I wrote a while ago and it’s what I’m trying to live by right now.

I’m finding I’m ugly. I’m finding I’m lovely too.
Could this be the cause of why I try and hide myself?
I’m trying to love me. I’m fixing my problems too.
I guess that I’m finding out that the problem wasn’t you.

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Maybe the problem in all our lives is ourselves? Is it time to look in the mirror?

Stop the Bleeding

I wrote this about a month ago but it keeps coming back to me so I thought I’d share it.

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I’m starting to think people are all the same. Wether its an estate in Ireland or a hut in Africa. There are the same stories of broken people just searching for wholeness and happiness. I imagine the world full of people whose hearts are bleeding and in a blind search to fulfill ourselves we one another. Our minds can only focus on our own pain so become selfish and live to make ourselves feel better. In a dying world we can be so self centered that we simply make others bleed faster.

Sometimes my pain is overwhelming. I feel like I am constantly crying. I fight with myself all the time. And then I remember. I’m not the only one.

How many of the people I see everyday are longing for some comfort? How many people after that?

This world will always be broken until Jesus comes and brings the new earth he has promised. And in a sense until I’m in Heaven I will always be broken. The only sense I can make of it all now is to try and stop the bleeding. Not mine. But that of others.

My ideal world will not exist in my life time. But I believe when Jesus prayed on earth as it is in Heaven he was looking for what I am. To bring a little piece of the way life is meant to be on earth.

I’m fed up with people thinking Christian means you go to church or you don’t drink or swear or you don’t have sex till your married. I’m fed up with seeing selfish immature people who convince themselves they are followers of Christ.

Following Jesus means loving until it hurts. Forgiving when people don’t deserve your forgiveness. Facing yourself at the end of each day and admitting that you might have been wrong and deciding to change it. Thinking of how others feel rather than just what makes you feel good. Its being unselfish and loving extravagantly.

I want to follow Jesus. Not be a Christian in the crappy sense of the word its become. I want to be a person who takes Jesus seriously when he says things like love your enemies.

How will this world change? One person at a time. One day in which I try my best to live unselfishly. One heart that I value as much as my own. One life that realises that everything is pointless unless you try and stop the bleeding.

Prayer Poem!

Okay so I was wanting to feel closer to God one night but feeling a bit crap about myself and I decided to try something a little different. I wrote down a prayer and tried to just be honest before God.

I’m calling it a prayer poem. I basically wrote a poem song type thing to God as a prayer. Prayer is talking to God so I just decided to do mine on paper and I actually found it really helpful. It’s something I found myself doing a lot lately so I thought I’d share it in case anyone else may find it helpful in their walk with God.

Here’s my first prayer poem! (Bear in mind I’m a bit of a romantic and write all the time so my prayer poem might not look anything like yours but thats okay its not supposed to!)

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So many times I have forgotten you
I’ve called you in my need and ignored you when you answered
In times of comfort and healing I never thought of your name
When life was good I didn’t care about you
And then you broke me

When all crashed around me I clung to your promises
I cried night after night and you were the only one who saw
You became my hope, my everything
I lived to know you

And here I am once again
I’m finding healing and finally some comfort
But I don’t want to forget that you are my everything

When I am poor you are my everything
When I am rich you are my everything

You have been faithful when I have not
You have loved me when I felt unloved
You have been a friend when I was alone
Jesus you sustained me

I still want to be whole
I want to feel loved and happy
I want to be comforted when I am in pain
But I want you more than anything

If your presence is not with me then I don’t want to leave this place
Your love is better than life
You are the one thing I cannot live without

Never let me forget
Write your name on my heart and I will never let it be erased
You mean more to me than the sweetest of kisses
You are more precious than the warmest embrace
May I always live to know you

You give and you take away but your love never changes
You are all I need
You are my everything
May you forever be my everything
Amen

Believe

I’m in a bit of shock today. I know most people don’t know the full extent of my wackiness and depression in the past, but there was a point in my life where I was being incredibly self destructive. During this time I met someone on the internet who would encourage me to keep fighting and never give up. She had inspired me because she got her life back together when mine was falling apart.

I just found out today that she did give up. On Feb 8th she killed herself. I feel a bit numb and shocked but also deeply saddened. I know there were countless people encouraging her but ultimately it was up to her to fight and she didn’t feel she could anymore.

For me survival is a fight every day. Many days I feel alone in this fight and no one really knows or understands how hard it is. But I guess what I realised is that at the end of the day it doesn’t matter who is around us or what friends are encouraging us, the choice is ours.

Sometimes I see people who are struggling and I wish I could show them what I see. Looking at my friend now I wish I could have told her to keep on going and shown her that she was an inspiration to so many people and she was deeply loved but in those dark moments when she gave up she couldn’t see that. It doesn’t matter what anyone said because it was up to her to see it.

Sometimes I wish people could see how much I am struggling. That it’s hard to always be strong and not have the shoulders to cry on and the arms that make me feel safe. But would it make any difference?

Maybe it still comes down to whether I’m willing to fight or not. The word she used a lot was Believe. And despite how her story has ended I want to make this my word too. Its hard to believe when you don’t see what everyone tells you and your feelings and mind are telling you how much easier it would be if you went back to your old ways or even if you took your own life. But giving up seems so much emptier. Sometimes you have to fight in the dark on your own.

Sometimes you have everyone helping you. But at the end of the day its up to you to believe. No matter how much of a struggle it is. Sorry this is such a morbid kinda post but thats how I feel today. Life is precious and sometimes short and its up to us to fight for our right to enjoy it.